You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the
bread section this afternoon. I was the tall guy next to you that
looked over at you and asked, "Was that you?" You quickly replied, "No!" It almost seemed you were insulted by me
asking. As the smell became more dominate I tried to rid the stench by
waving 2 loafs of Viabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off as if
though you were angry. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like my dog at
home, I'd love to meet up sometime.
I saw you in the WalMart this afternoon. I was picking up another tube
of Preparation-H for an itch I've been dealing with for about 3 weeks
now (geez, that stuff really works, but it's a little messy rubbing on).
Anyway, I saw you in the feminine products setion, looking at tampons, I
think, maybe feminine deodorant spray. It's not important...the fact is
that I saw you in WalMart today. I was mesmorized by your collection of
neck tattoos, specifically the Latino design. I purposely knocked over a
display box of suppositories trying to get your attention.
Unfortunately, you just flipped me the bird and went around to the next
isle. I guess since you were shopping for feminine products, you were
feeling a little PMS. I refused to give up. I followed you around to the
next isle and pretended to be looking at some items on the shelf. I
grabbed a box from the shelf, not knowing what it was, and asked you if
you had ever used this product before. To my amazement, it was a rectal
thermometer...you looked at me and said WTF, and to leave you alone. I think there could be something more, hit me up if you read this. Tell
me the number of tattoos you have on your neck so I know it's really
you.
Yeah, that guy is totally stinky and greasy. Really gross. He makes me
want to barf.
He's probably in his parent's basement right now jerkin' it to a danish.
Loser.
Next time you have to fart in Starbucks, go to the ladies room. You
gased the whole fucking place out, shame on you.
Friday was the most embarassing day of my life. I am so ashamed. I had no idea that you were sitting at your desk when I unleashed a
nasty Taco Bell fart that I was fighting back all morning. I just could not keep that dirty old man in my stomach any longer. And to make matters worse I yelled out, " La Cu Caracha !" When I passed your cubicle and saw you sitting there, I died a thousand
deaths. You just kept reading.... How considerate. I always thought that you have the most beautiful eyes that I have ever
seen and I dream of asking you out to dinner with me. But that will never happen now. Now that I have been exposed as a slyme ball. A creature who thinks
everything is a big joke. I wanted to apologize to you Friday but they said that you left early. I hope you are well.
And H bomb says she don't remember if she was ever donkey punched or
not???
After vomiting all over the table you were serving tonight, you were
kind enough to drag me outside and wipe the vomit off my face and pants.
I don't think I caught your name, but I would like to see you again.
FYI for you and your future sloppy drunk bar and club adventures:
Acting like a drunken bitch, looking like a drunken bitch and saying
you're a bitch after every other bitchy comment makes you LESS
attractive, not more.
By the way, calling yourself a bitch is an insult to bitches.
OK. So I was slobbering stupid drunk dragging my hairy knuckles along
the splintered dark and passed you somewhere along the way, maybe it was
on the street, or maybe it was near the pool tables near the restrooms.
I dunno. You're beautiful. And you smiled at me. And I was drunk. I
grunted in approval. It was a real moment. When you smiled the way you
did and I slammed into the crowd with only a faint memory of what had
just occurred. You woman. Me drunk. Let's hookup.
You were sitting against the wall, there were men on either side of you.
I saw you clearly checking them out with your stunning Green eyes with
incredibly long lashes. I think you were wearing some kind of purple
hoodie. I gave you half of my sandwich. You ate it so quickly, then
you farted so loudly we both laughed so hard...(it really smelled) But
you were so hot it did not matter. You said you had to poop and would
be right back. I waited and waited but never saw you again. If you
remember me and what to hook up. Hit me up with your digits and lets
hang. I can still smell you and want to see you again.
Hope you see this
Well hello there, jailbait.
It's true, I'm not the smartest pianist on the planet. If I were, I'd
double-cross those creeps keeping you in custody. Maybe I'd send you a
file inside an everything bagel. Or perhaps I could divert their
attention by lobbing a pile of dog poop onto the roof. I've got
experience, you know.
Then again, maybe you wouldn't want that. I mean, nothing says "You make
me uncomfortable" like taking off at the height of the second
record-setting blizzard in five days to go share a house with your ex. I
mean, I know I f*cked up the pizza, but did you think I couldn't pull
off french toast?
You are so hot I almost want to punch myself in the face. It's a weird
feeling.
Me: Overqualified employee at one of the restaurants in Woodfield;
serves food, cleans restrooms.
You: Probably really sexy and intelligent. I don't know which of the
hot customers you were, but the way that you wiped your ass and left
your shitty toilet paper behind the toilet just screams class. The way
you are seemingly unable to do what an average toilet-trained 5 year old
can do (after you wipe your ass, you put the toilet paper in the toilet
and flush) made me imagine that you have the unique combination of
sexiness, intelligence, and common decency that is so hard to find in a
woman these days.
Please email me. I know we would hit it off. I mean, I've already
touched your poop, so we're farther along than most other couples.
Hi Eric, we met once at your place a couple years ago. You were a
little drunk and I was a little tired. I jerked off, then put my dick
in your mouth while you jacked off and came, and I also rubbed my cock
head against your ass crack. I gave you a kiss at the door when I left.
If you see this send me a message. Let me know that it's you somehow
It was 8am and we were riding the N inbound and pulling into the
Montgomery station. I was wearing a suit (b/c I'm a G) and you were in a
nice dress. I noticed you because you were holding your stomach as if
you had belly pains. As I walked past to you to leave, a massive fart
erupted from you and I was almost blown back into the train cabin. My
suit is now being dry cleaned due to the residual blowback of your butt
geyser but I don't care....I'm in love. Let's hang out and get all-meat
burritos from Gordos. We can polish them off with a tall, cool Budweiser
afterward.
